I hope you all have your costumes and pillow sacks ready, because Halloween is just around the corner! Close your eyes and imagine this for a second. Okay, wait. Open your eyes. Reading is hard with your eyes shut. Imagine that you are in your super-slick costume you’ve been waiting to show off, and you had just belted out your best ‘trick-or-treat!’ What are you hoping will end up in your candy bag? What are you dreading might be waiting in there for you? Here’s my list of the best and worst Halloween scores. Yes, this includes reviewing candy.
My Top 5 Favourite Halloween Hauls
1.) Snickers - I love Snickers bars! The first thing I would do when I dumped out my Barbie pillow sa-- er… my Halloween pillow sack -- I would immediately dig for all the Snickers. To me, the Snickers bar is the improved Mars bar. (Editor’s note: Ironically, Snickers is produced by candy corporation Mars, Inc.) Or is the Mars bar the poor man’s Snickers? Snickers for thought? I enjoy the caramel with the chocolate nougat bottom, and what I like the most are the peanuts that are in with the caramel.
2.) Bounty - They soak up spills like nobody's business. Kidding! No, I am clearly talking about the Bounty chocolate bars (or Mounds, for you Americans.) I never used to be a fan of coconut at all, and would especially dislike coconut mixed in with my chocolate. Last year around this time, Channy Dreadful and Mr. Universe provided me with a random assortment of chocolate bars, and I thought I might as well give it a shot. Little did I know that this would end up my second-favourite chocolate bar, and that I would hunt down all the houses who hand these out to this day.
3.) Oh Henry! - Mars, Incorporated isn’t dominating this entire list. When I was a kid, once I had the Snicker bars safely removed and consumed, I would seek out my next victim, Henry. Oh Henry! I ate so much of you as a child. I’ve always liked how the Oh Henry! seemed so jam-packed full of the peanuts, fudge and caramel that’s in there that I never felt gypped or dissatisfied while eating one. (If you’re an American, your Oh Henry! bars follow a slightly different formula, but you can get what I mean by picking up a limited release Rally bar.)
4.) Skor - Skor bars seem so small and like there is not a whole lot to eat. Not only that, but compared to the last three girthy beasts on this list, they are relatively slim. But size doesn’t matter to me. I like Skor for what's on the inside. I like the crunchiness of it, and I like the sweetness of the butter toffee in the middle. However, don’t you just hate it when all that toffee gets stuck in your teeth? I can look past that for my fourth-favourite score! (Get it?)
5.) Any full-sized chocolate bar - The only downside to Halloween candy is that they are always so small! Damn marketing companies. One bite, thirty seconds of enjoyment, pouting. When you finally find that one house that’s not too cheap and is handing out full-sized bars of any kind, it’s a proud moment. Now you get to go home and enjoy a full chocolate bar -- and if it’s one of your favourites, you can either celebrate by eating that full-sized one then and there and saving the little guys for snacking. I know that I did not pick a specific candy and this may feel like cheating or copping out, so honourable mentions go out to mini-bags of Doritos and full-sized cans of soda. Who doesn’t love getting that?
My Bottom 5 Halloween Hauls
5. Tootsie Rolls - Now, a lot of people seem to love Tootsie Rolls -- and I personally don’t mind the Tootsie Fruit Rolls -- but the original cocoa ones I dislike, and they always managed to take over all of my sacks of candy. Maybe it’s due to their low price, but for every candy I liked I had five shitty Tootsie Rolls. I have only heard rumours of the lost mountain folk that like these. Maybe it’s my own crazy observation, but as a kid I also felt they did not taste or feel edible. Plus they stick to your teeth like crazy. So do Skors, but at least Skors are worth it.
4. Gum - I love gum, but I don’t like Halloween gum. You know what I’m talking about. Most of the gumballs that you get have a weak taste that barely lasts, and the gum gets mushy pretty much instantly. There are the odd exceptions, like Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, but these are only worth it due to the comic that comes with it.
3. Rockets - I am not a fan of powdery sugar things (with the exception of Pixy Stix, but even those I can only handle so much of.) But Rockets -- or Smarties if you’re American (Canadian Smarties are an entirely different beast) -- are just not good. I am not too much of a fan of these because once you chew them they just turn into a sugary mess in your mouth. When I was young, and as I hope none of you will ever learn, I quickly discovered that too many of these can be nearly acidic and sugar your mouth up raw. I have a bone to pick with you, Rockets.
2. The Infamous Pencil/Eraser Combo - I would just like to start off this one by reminding that not once did I say this article is exclusively about candy. Imagine being a young boy or girl and expecting candy to tumble into your sack, but then later learning that you have a pencil and little dumb ghost- or bat-themed eraser waiting for you. It’s a little upsetting. While convenient to have, I would trade this in for candy any day.
1. Apples - Usually one would buy candy for trick-or-treaters, but there will always be that one nutjob who goes to the produce section. Halloween is not about being healthy, and that’s not to mention that fruit from strangers poses quite the health risk, so get thrown out so quickly anyway. What a waste, whether you like apples or not.
These are my top and bottom Halloween hauls. How about you? Leave a comment below and let me know what you loved or hated to see waiting in your candy sack!